I‘m afraid John, i can't congratulate you. All emotions, and in particular love, stand oppose to the pure, cold reason i hold above all things.
A wedding is, in my considered opinion, nothing short of celebration of all that is false and specious and irrational and sentimental in this ailing and morally compromised world. Today we honor the deathwatch beetle that is the doom of our society, and in time, one feels certain, our entire species. But anyway, let's talk about John.
If i burden myself with a little helpmate during my adventures, this is not out of sentiment or caprice, it is that he has many fine qualities of his own that the have overlooked in his obsession with me. Indeed my reputation i have for mental acuity and sharpness comes in truth, from the extraordinary contrast John so selflessly provides. It is a fact i believe, that brides tend to favour exceptionally plain bridesmaids for their big day. There is a certain analogy there i feel. And contrast is, after all, God's own plan to enhance the beauty of his creation. Or it would be if God were not a ludicrous fantasy designed to proved a career opportunity for the family idiot.
The point i try to make is, that i am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant, and all-round obnoxious arsehole, that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet. I am dismissive of the virtuous, unaware of the beautiful and uncomprehending in the front of the happy. So if i didn't understand i was being asked to be best man, it is because i have never expected to be anybody's best friend, and certainly not the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing. John i am a ridiculous man, redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship.
But as i am apparently your best friend, i can't congratulate you on your choice of companion. Actually now i can. Mary, when i say you deserve this man, it is the highest compliment of which i am capable. John, you have endured war and injury and tragic loss. So sorry again about that last one. So know this, today you sit between the woman you have made your wife and the man you have saved. In short the two people who love you most all in this world. And i know I speak for Mary as well when i say, we'll never let you down and we have a lifetime ahead to prove that.
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